The Hills

By Brian Moylan Heidi Montag can't just have any old birthday party, she has to have an extravaganza in her glass coffin and invite all the dueling princesses to come. Drama ensues. But even more exciting than the party is the preparation. We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big nigh...

By Anthony De Rosa Accustomed to being paid for doing absolutely nothing, reality television performance artist Heidi Montag refused to attend her own sister's birthday without compensation. What's the union rate for siblings? Heidi and Spencer did not attend her sisters, Holly Montag's 26th Birthda...

By Brian Moylan Heidi Montag TV Show: The Hills Musical Project: A number of singles, including "Body Language" (2009) Gets Points For: Stealing from pop geniuses Yaz Loses Points For: Have you heard this thing? The beat, the chorus, the singing, everything is disgusting. Horrible-ometer: 10

By Ryan Tate The New York Times' Stephanie Clifford posted a picture of an adorable kitten on the internet in a shameless bid to be associated, on the internet, with an adorable kitten — who just so happens to need your urgent help. Well. We would never do anything like that. (Kitty photo courtesy Clifford...

By Foster Kamer Audrina Patridge, the salutatorian of The Hills, is gearing up for her own "spicier, edgier, older" television show after "graduating" from The Hills. I wonder what that commencement speech sounds like. [People]

By Richard Rushfield In news that has rocked fake-Hollywood, Audrina Patridge announced today she is leaving MTV's quasi-reality show The Hills sending industry analysts into coma-like stupors attempting to figure out what this means, or if it means anything.

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By Foster Kamer Don't forget the various non-filming permits reality shows like The Hills will use when they turn your backyard into the backdrop for The Drama of Our Time, or Guadalajaran Coke Mules taking refuge at your doorstep after navigating the terrifying masses occupying what's soon to be West...

By Foster Kamer The Hills' Lauren Conrad is deflating the fun behind Heidi Pratt's inflated assets to Playboy in an upcoming issue, noting that they're "not going to pay for themselves." No, Lauren, they certainly won't, especially if people are reading Playboy for the articles. Which, uh, everyone doe...

By Foster Kamer Brody Jenner's girlfriend, some Jayde Nicole person who's name or existence I don't understand, was trying to convince someone, somewhere that The Hills is real. This is like that time someone tried to convince you that visits to the proctologist are a blast, and you were like, no, but, yo...

By Foster Kamer He is, however-and on this subject, he is highly animated-a huge fan of MTV's scripted reality series of the young and the monied in L.A., THE HILLS. "I think THE HILLS is the greatest show I have ever seen in my life," he says, sincerely. "It is a modern masterpiece. I think that ADAM DeVILLO is a ma...

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By Richard Lawson See, the youth network has been slipping some in the ratings the past two years, as generations shift and get older, and once-boffo programming like the aforementioned Hills start to get creaky and stale. Though head of programming Tony DiSanto, who's spearheading this overhaul, serve...

Al Roker Has His Katie Couric Gotcha Moment with Heidi & Spencer Heidi and Spencer Pratt, the soulless blobs from The Hills and I'm a Celebrity... were on the Today Show this morning discussing their behavior on the latter show, and Al Roker, finally sensing an opportunity, went in for th...

By Richard Lawson He asked the wretched pair over and over again if they were "proud" of their behavior on the show—which involved slapping bottles out of Frangela's hands, claiming that they were tortured by NBC, and being baptized by Stephen Baldwin. Spencer just smirked and acted the cocky fool he alway...

 NY Britney is hell bent on meeting the Queen and is planning a "pop-in," Kristin Cavallari is pissing off Audrina Patridge on the set of The Hills, Brangelina denies breakup rumors AGAIN, and Jon Gosselin and his mistress are photographed on vacation. ...

By Richard Lawson Really it mostly looks bad for NBC. We expect this kind of stupid stuntery from the reality couple. Their idea of clever is kicking you in the shins and then ten minutes later if you ask them, "Heidi, Spencer... did you guys kick me in the shins?" they giggle and say "Noooo..." So, whatever. But NBC! C'm...

By Richard Lawson So we got duped. Twice! Heidi and Spencer, the prats from The Hills who supposedly quit the horrid reality trash barge I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Outta Here!, haven't, in fact, been gotten outta...

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By Richard Lawson just before quitting the show, Spencer screamed at producers, "If you give me a script, I'll do what you want. I'm not a reality star. I'm on 'The Hills.'" Hm. "I'm not a reality star. I'm on 'The Hills.'" Man oh man does that say it all about... it all.

By Richard Lawson Well, that didn't go well at all. One episode and several crying jags/smacking-water-bottles-out-of-Frangela's-hands later, Heidi and Spencer from The Hills have quit the disastrous reality series I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Outta Here!. Mostly because it's "not a nice show." Plus Heidi go...

By Richard Lawson Well that, I guess, is it. The last we'll see of old Lauren "LC" Conrad on The Hills, the reality dynasty that she helped build with her own two well-groomed hands. How did it all go down? Well, like any good comedy, it ended with a wedding.

By The Cajun Boy Todd offered Bristol a new ride to get her to dump Levi, Spencer Pratt is the "King of Weed," Paris Hilton thinks that The Hills is "so lame and fake," Kate Hudson is traveling with the Yankees to bone A-Rod, and Susan Boyle may be institutionalized very shortly.

By Richard Lawson Handbags had just been fired by Lauren from Fashion Incorporated, plus Lauren totally hates Spencer, so it was supes awkward. The pair went to a gauzy luncheon at some place in Beverly Hills and Handbags moped and joked awkwardly about her job prospects ("I'm just going to focus on school..."...

By Richard Lawson You'll remember that last week Lauren was tasked with the wicked job of firing Handbags because Handbags is a mutton-faced idiot who isn't really capable of anything but staring at walls and applying more and more makeup. But Lauren was scared, so Lauren delayed, and the whole drama was dr...

By Richard Lawson From the first glimpse, the book is basically about Lauren's life. Well, I mean, the girl's name is Jane and she wants to be an event planner rather than a fashionista, but it's all basically the same. Same dumb boy names (Brody and Doug in real life, Caleb and Braden in Jane life), and same cree...

By Richard Lawson Lauren went trotting off, while Handbags receded into her dark, forgotten Fraggle cave of worry. Cutrone's face was only bone and Lauren was scared. "I want you to fire her," the bones of Kelly intoned. "I want you to dance." And so Lauren danced. "No. Dance sexy."

By Gabriel Snyder After lunch, Lauren remembers that this is indeed her show and convinces the cameras to follow her to a friend-date with Brody. She tries to convince him to apologize to Audrina, but Brody looks confused because he's getting regular ass from a Playmate, why would he screw that up? Lauren th...

By Richard Lawson THERAPIST: So. FLESHBEARD: So. HEIDI: Because my boyfriend's mother's cousin's sister's aunt's mechanic's fluffer's stolen Haitian child servant's grandfather's nephew's tax attorney saw Spencer at a bar talking to a bartender and being shady.

By Richard Lawson Anyway, sorry. So Kelly decided to bring the potato sack onto the team, with a caveat issued to Lauren that if (when) she fucks up, Lauren has to fire her. Because Kelly don't play that. She bopped Lauren over the head and trotted off and as I watched her head back upstairs to her office I shook my h...

By Richard Lawson Back in Sunburn Valley, Spencer decided that he needed to get some bro-questions out of the bro-way. So he called up Brody and they met at some vegan restaurant and talked about feelings and Brody sort of agreed with Spencer but also seemed to not really care one way or another. Spencer also we...

By Richard Whitney screwed up her features and pooped just a little bit and finally said to Olivia "You know... I pulled that look." And Olivia said "Oh, you want some credit? OK, I'll give you a little credit next time I'm taking basically all the credit." Whitney didn't seem satisfied. Somewhere in the mid...

By Joshua Stein Christina Norman, who used to head MTV, will now take over The Oprah Network. What do we have to look forward to? The Hills, Oprah Style! Real World: Oprah! True Life: I'm Oprah! John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation. John D. and Catherine T. McArthur Foundation"

By Richard Um... Whitney was asked to host a Wonder Woman party at the clothes store and Olivia was mad and bitchy about it. The straight guy who looks like an old man and who works at the clothes store with everyone else went out to lunch with Whitney. The Wonder Woman party looked boring but it was funny that C...

By Richard The basic premise: Whitney Port from The Hills moves to New York City, NY to become the Head of Fashion for the United States. Her duties include looking like Baby Huey (sans bonnet) and continually trying not to fall down. So far so good on both counts. I guess the thinking in spinning off from L...

By Richard Odd as it might sound, there really aren't a lot of reality shows set in New York. Yes there have been several set inside Tiffany "New York" Pollard, but not many in the actual city. Since Real Housewives of New York City is on hiatus, The City can fill that void. Watch as Hills supporting mute Whi...

By Richard So then we teeter back to Heidi and Spencer. Mrs. Heidismom forbids the planned courthouse wedding to take place. Spencer does a Fleshbeard Staaaare and Mrs. Heidismom falls over dead. Then Zummi from the Gummi Bears (Audrina) pops out of a hole and bonks Spencer on the head. Then the plane from T...

By Richard But no, instead Audrina went clomping off to Whitney's goodbye party (where her moms cried, for like real, it was human) and muttered to the other girls, "so Heidi and Spencer went missing" (I pictured, upon their return, Angelina Jolie pounding her chest and saying "No, I wan't MY Fleshb...

By Richard 10) The Hills, MTV's reality muck about TV and the sad things it does to young people, is full of faux-existential angst that's fun to write about, to be sure. But it's also terrible, terrible, terrible and worst of all doesn't seem to show any signs that it's ending, ever.

By Richard Audrina popped up. Yeah. She's still here. I dunno. Justin Bobby came up. So did something about her apartment, I think. She has brown hair. I think her name is Audrina. Though my sources are a bit sketchy (baby name websites) the heretofore unheard by me name Audrina is apparently just the diminuti...

By Richard Otherwise... Holly. Spencer. Fight. Holly. Heidi. Fight. Heidi. Spencer. Not really a fight, just a resigned and defeated admission that Spencer will never do anything right or be a good person. The details are too grim and stupid and repetitive to go into, just know that Heidi no longer has her office...

By Richard Does anyone else feel like The Hills might be, gulp!, wrapping up? I mean, with Lauren barely in it anymore, Heidi and Spencer not even bothering to act like they don't completely hate each other, Audrina all content, finally, with Justin Bobby... I mean, it feels like it's almost over. There a...

By Richard Meanwhile, in the Dust Bowl of sincerity and cheer that is the Heidi/Spencer household, the miserable couple was griping and grunting about Heidi being fired from her silly PR job. She got fired last week for being drunk and, essentially, being Spencer's girlfriend. So that was sad. The sce...

By Richard Audrina continued to poke at the flopping, briney soon-to-be corpse of Cory, her shallow puddle eyes glinting not with recognition, but only with empty reflection. She went to "work" at a recording studio with Brandy. No not the drink! The singer lady who used to be famous for such hits as "T...

By Richard The Hills just keeps getting sadder. Because she doesn't really do anything interesting, the MTV reality blah's star, Lauren Conrad, is getting pushed further and further into the background while the wretched and miserable supporting characters—Audrina, Spencer, Spencerina—dan...

By Richard So what was Audrina to do? She'd already invited Carl's. Jr. to Cabo, too. Both boys couldn't come!! But Justin Bobby made her so mad and sad, she explained to Frankie and Doug, who seriously couldn't give two shits what this crazy bitch was yapping about. Audrina apparently didn't even know wh...

By Richard Holly's friendship with Lauren makes Heidi sad, so she started digging for information. Holly acted as a dim liaison between the two wounded former friends, eventually encouraging Heidi to send a later to Lauren, vaguely apologizing for things and offering sixth grade sentiments and p...

By Richard Sept. 14 Gold Bar / Sunday night (1am monday morning), Whitney and Lauren from The Hills." Sept. 10 Whitney Port from The Hills at the W Hotel on Lexington and 49th street at 2pm. dont know if your care about this chick, but she is staying here."

By Richard And, yes. This seemed genuine. She was obviously very hurt and began crying. She tried to leave secretly but Lauren caught her and comforted her, sort of, and the camera was shaky and it all felt very real. Stephanie tried to offer up more silly excuses and Lauren just stopped her dead in her trac...

By Richard Hi! Sorry! I, like Audrina, sometimes have episodes. But it's over now. What's important is that Lauren came back from her trip and got all the skinny, after informing us that the whole of Italia was "like a construction site." In that the men whistle a lot. Anyway, she got the details on what wen...

By Richard And then, in the end, it came back to Heidi and Lauren. Heidi spoke with Heidigger about the past and her hope for the future. "Maybe by some miracle," Heidi hoped, they could be friends again. Lauren chatted with Spencerina (at their computer class!) and said that she didn't want Heidi to get h...

By Richard But everything was not OK for Lauren and Audy, who were icy cold to each other on their way to the airport. When they got back Lauren moaned about it to Whitney, who seems increasingly like she couldn't give two shits because she's, you know, working at the time. By the time Hellraiser's Pinhea...

By Richard Do you like to Blog? Love blogging about The Hills? We're coming directly to our most passionate fans of The Hills in search of Official Bloggers for The Hills on MTV.com. We'll be taking submissions over the next 3 weeks for 2 candidates to blog about each episode. If you are selected as one of o...

By Richard Tuesday morning recap gobbledygook continues, now with The Hills, which last night sprinkled its pewter-sparkle-sleeping-sand over our eyes in the third episode of the MTV reality mire's fourth season. Last night we saw more Brecht-inspired fakery from Spencer and Spencerina and th...